Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
