i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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