Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
