and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
