I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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