I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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