i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
