i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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