I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
