used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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