Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
