Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
