ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
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