My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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