Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
