Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
