i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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