Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
