I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
