Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
