I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
