i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Less talking, more tequila
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
