i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
