Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
