Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
