Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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