I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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