so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I'm really busy with my period
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