did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
