So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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