just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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