Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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