After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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