he was CRYING into my vagina
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
the raccoons are back...
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