He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
