A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
