mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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