I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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