I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I will be naked everywhere
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
