I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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