I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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