We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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