I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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