The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
