sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
