i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize