My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
