i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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