I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
