when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
