Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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