i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
