Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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