fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
