yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
