she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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